Bill Cosby Was Right.

You wouldn't know it based on my dirty, grungy, hot-weather backpacking wardrobe, but back in the good ol' U S of A, I've amassed a remarkable collection of Cosby-esque sweaters from the Salvation Army over the years. What can I say, I'm stylish. They're brightly colored, have seizure-inducing patterns, and are, well, absolutely wonderful to be quite honest. Let me just say that sweaters are one of 2 things that Bill Cosby has definitely gotten right during his time in my humble opinion (of course, I know the man's a genius, but for simplicity sake let's keep it to 2 for now). The other? That Kids Say The Darndest Things. Anyone remember that delightful show in which Cosby interviewed young children with mundane questions and got ridiculous answers? Reality TV at its finest! ...but I digress. In my roughly 2.5 months of being a nanny to Maya (11) and Oliver (4), I have heard some absolutely GOLD things come from their mouths. Although I'm unfortunately unable to write down everything that's said on a day to day basis, there have been a few doosies that I have been able to save for posterity. And if the show were still on air, I think that these kids could definitely be nominated as contestants. Behold:

Ollie: I don't want to go on that playground. There are a lot of big kids there.
Me: Oh look, they're going back to class now, it's ok!
Kye [2nd grader whom Ollie idolizes]: Hey Ollie! How are you? You're pretty cool, aren't ya?!
Ollie: [excited] Hi Kye!!! [serious tone] You'd better get back to class now.

Ollie [interrupting a separate conversation Maya and I were having over which movies the song "Hallelujiah" were in]: What road are we on?
Me: ...the song is also in Shrek.
Ollie: Oh. We're on the Shrek road?

Maya [to me]: I got this Canada jumper at The Bay, which is like the Target of Canada.
Ollie: What Bay?
Maya: At The Bay, Ollie.
Ollie: Oh, you mean eBay?

Ollie: Hey look, it's the Ginger Turtles!
Me: ...you mean the Ninja Turtles? Yeah that's right!
Ollie: No, I think it's the Turtle Ninjas, Ash-uh-ley*.
*I've come to the conclusion that it must be a natural law such that any individual under the age of 6 adds an extra syllable to my name.

Ever the inquisitive child, over the course of several weeks Oliver became interested in which words are "bad words":
Is door a bad word?
Is darn a bad word?
Is Oliver a bad word?
Is my Dad a bad word?
Is fricket a bad word?
Is *insert random gibberish that I cannot fathom the spelling of here* a bad word?
Is pirate ship a bad word?
Is Hulk a bad word?
Is Hulk Smash a bad word?
Is fuck a bad word? *facepalm*

Maya**: Wait, what's an apocalypse again? I always thought it was a fruit...
(**top of her class, ladies and gentlemen :-p )

Faith (Oliver's BFF/GF): Ash-uh-ley, what does this shirt say? [points at a Guess-brand t-shirt]
Me: It says "Guess"
Faith: I don't know, I can't read that's why I asked!

Ollie: Ash-uh-ley, do you know what's Hulk's last name?
Me: Um, I'm not quite sure... maybe something like Smith or Jones?
Ollie: No, Hulk's last name is 'Smash'!

"It's so weird how the show Dance Moms only focuses on the cat fights between the moms, shouldn't they be spending more time on the stuff that happens to the dancers?" -Maya. But if anyone asks, NO we definitely don't ever watch that trash (cough *guilty pleasure* cough).

On April 14th, Winnie the Pooh was referred to by Oliver as "Pinnie Pooh" and "that pooey guy" in the same conversation. My inner 2nd grader was in physical pain.

"Text the mullet picture to my Mom, ok?" STRAYA.

"Awwww, cutie!!" -watching a video on a crocodile at the aquarium. 15 seconds later footage was shown of it savagely tearing apart a flamingo. Oliver seemed unfazed.

Ollie and I play a lot of Disney World on the xBox. He is also a relatively picky eater, but is luckily obsessed with basketball and the dream of someday being as tall as his 15-year-old idol, Harry (6'6"). He eats the most food when we tell him it will make him grow big and strong like Harry (or Hulk or Todd Blanchfield):
"What if my arms grow so big that I punch the TV when I play Disney World?"

"This lizard can see my boobies."

Now, having mentioned these little gems that have been said to me, it's not just the 4-year-old that is saying inane things. Claudia recently sent me this link: http://www.babble.com/kid/things-ive-said-to-my-children/ where a father makes posters out of all the ridiculous things he's said to his children. After perusing it, I've realized...I myself have said some stuff in the last few months that if taken out of context or heard by an eavesdropper in passing, I'd probably be considered bat shit crazy. If I'm not already, that is.


Ollie [while we did a color-by-number]: Hey there aren't many number fours on here...look it's only a little tiny four for me to color!
Me: Well that is a tiny four! One could even say it's a...petite four.
(my daily witticisms are lost upon this child. I'm freakin' funny though.)


Ollie: Is Harry bigger than Hulk?
Mike: No.
Ollie: Is Iron Man bigger than Hulk?
Mike: No.
Ollie: Are you bigger than Hulk? Is Mommy bigger than Hulk? Is Poppa bigger than Hulk? [line of questioning continues ad nauseum through everyone he can name]
Mike: Oliver, no one is bigger than Hulk, Hulk is an apex predator!
(using ecology terms in the context of Marvel characters at the dinner table FOR THE WIN)


On the lovely Thursday afternoon of May 23rd, Oliver and I had a lengthy and in-depth discussion over lunch of which members of the Avengers would be present in Thailand while I visited there. Conclusion: Iron Man, Thor, and Hulk.

Maya and I became addicted to Biggest Loser: Australia. Oliver enjoyed watching it, but believes that it's called "Big Fat Losers." The season ended a few weeks back, and today we passed a billboard advertising a gym, with a large man in boxer shorts staring intently at the scale he stood on:
Ollie: That belly is funny. Is Big Fat Losers on tonight?
Me: Nah, buddy, the season ended a while ago, there won't be another on for a lot more sleeps.
Ollie: Why? What happens to the fat losers when the show is over?
Me: Well, it's over because they're not fat losers any more, they're skinny winners.
Ollie: So how will there be another show?
Me: They have to go out and find more fat losers.
...Thank god this St. Maurice-Brassard company isn't corporate, or I'd probably be facing a few sensitivity training seminars.

Now, if those little snippets aren't the "darndest things" that Cosby's always talking about, then I just don't know what is! It's hard to believe that my 3 months with these awesome and huh-larious kids is over. But you know what they say, time flies when you're constantly asking questions about the relative size of Hulk! I couldn't be happier with how wonderful both Maya and Oliver are, and as you can probably tell, they kept me constantly entertained. I truly am one of the luckiest nannies ever to have ended up with them! :)

...Now, on to the next chapter in my travels. Stay tuned for stories about my trip to Thailand that I leave for tomorrow!