America VS. Australia

Alright. It’s time that I finally get the both sides of the hemisphere on the same page about what’s what. Compiled below are a list of things I’ve found differ between these two countries. I will not conclude as to which nation is better. I’m simply presenting all of the information for you, fine reader (hey Dad.), to draw your own conclusions.

Deadly Animals. I can’t really say I’ve ever seen something poisonous in upstate NY that wasn’t in an animal exhibit. I’ve encountered 2 poisonous critters in my 5 weeks here, but I’m currently in the south where they’re way less common. As I travel farther up north, the correlation between latitude and likelihood of getting Steve Irwined is significantly higher. I’m sure it’s going to turn me into more of a pussy around spiders than Ron Weasley. I will certainly need CONSTANT VIGILENCE! in the garden. But I must say that it’d be pretty badass to say that I got bitten by a something poisonous and (hopefully) survived…

My 2007 Razr.  It does not work here. At all. Absolutely tragic. What am I supposed to do, invest in a smartphone for the next few months? Pshhh. THEY CAN TAKE MY RAZR, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE…MY LOVE FOR MY OUTMODED TECHNOLOGYYYYYYYYY!

Halloween. Not as big of a deal here as in the states. Tragic, as it is my favorite holiday. Where am I going to get my fix this year of seeing drunk biddies stumbling around dressed like a Venn diagram of a prostitute and well-respected profession/animal/athlete? Hmph.

Independence From Britain. In America that was sooooooo 236 years ago. Cut the cord, Australia!

Sunburns. Way easier to acquire here. I'm establishing a remarkable farmer's tan already. An estimation of my daily life in the tropical north: burn, tan for 6 hours, peel, repeat. I anticipate my freckle-to-body ratio to increase significantly in my time here. I will be SO FUN to play connect the dots on! And as a wise man by the name of Peter Griffin once said: “Melanoma? That’s just fancy talk for sexified!” (I swear I’m wearing sunblock on the regular, Dad.)

Coins. $1 and $2 coins in Australia, not bills. Do you understand how fast pocket change adds up!? You can buy so many more things than with that dastardly American coinage! No thanks, George Washington, you can keep your stupid 25¢ piece, I’m a high roller with this here fancy $2 coin! (Down side: how am I supposed to play the drinking game Quarters here…? “Who’s up for a game of 2 dollars” just sounds asinine) The one thing I can’t figure out is how strip clubs would work though. My leading hypothesis is that Australian strippers must be way more talented and innovative than American strippers. Props, ladies.

Light Beer. In America, it means light on calories. In Australia, it means light on alcohol. (Shout out to people who didn’t give me a heads up 3 years ago when I bought Cascade Light. Ew.) Therefore, if Australia were to market their own Keystone Light, everyone would be fatter and soberer. Weak sauce (pun intended).

Cockatoos. Yeah, sure it’s a majestic enough looking bird. All white with a lemony yellow crest and stuff. Whatever. All I know is that the sound they make is a hybrid between Death himself singing falsetto and a fork in a blender. Therefore, I equate them to crows in America. Just as annoying (to me personally, anyways…) at least. However, I will say that the phrase “eating crow” sounds WAY less funny than “eating cockatoo,” just sayin.

Aussie Rules Football (‘footy’). For those who have either played (shout out CWRFC), followed, or were granted by some divine miracle a chance to watch a rugby game and love the pure violent, chaotic savagery of it…watch footy. For like, 5 minutes. It’s similar enough to rugby in that the ball is roughly the same, but for all intents and purposes WAY BETTER TO WATCH. Just constant pushing and shoving and hitting and tackling and mauling people like a bear and fighting for the ball like a gang of selfish toddlers. The chaos. is. constant. I believe that a quote by the great Chandler Bing best summarizes my emotions when watching footy: “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BUT I AM SO EXCITED!” I tip my hat to you, Australia.

Vegemite. WTF. Worst idea ever. If I wanted to taste fungi and rusty nails, I’d gladly go treat a dumpster like a lollipop. Even though it’s allegedly an “acquired taste” that kids grow up with Down Under, I’m drafting a proposal for an official embargo to Congress…just in case.

Alan Jones vs. Rush Limbaugh. For my friends on either side of the world who don’t know who one of these men are, they’re roughly equal in their careers and infamy. By which I mean “douchebaggery.” Let’s face it: with two men like this in the world, NO ONE WINS.

Tim Tams. For those of you unfortunate Americans who have never had the pleasure, a Tim Tam is a cookie with 2 chocolate biscuits sandwiched between a layer of chocolate cream and coated in, of course, chocolate. A PMS dream. Sure, dunking Oreos in milk is pretty awesome and I grew up stuffing my face with the Double Stuft and have no regrets of it. However, this has nothing on the “Tim Tam Slam.” Behold: you bite both ends off the Tim Tam and use it as a straw in a hot drink, therefore melting the creamy chocolate layer in between as you drink it. I dare say it’s the closest to a religious experience that I’ve ever gotten.

The Metric System. IT’S SO FREAKIN’ SIMPLE. I mean, c’mon, America. Get it together. There is absolutely no logical basis to the system of inches, feet, miles, pounds, ounces, gallons, pints, the No Child Left Behind Act, etc. How easy would elementary school/high school chemistry have been to do these conversions in?! Also, the kilogram is roughly 2 pounds. Therefore, you get a nice self-esteem boost stating your weight in kilos. What’s more embarrassing is that Australia was able to successfully switch from the imperial measurement system, when America tried at the same time and failed.

Don’t even get me started on Celsius and Fahrenheit.

Mexican Food. Getting my several-times-a-week fix on guacamole, burritos, and tacos is damn near impossible. I’ve found a little oasis called “Taco Bill,” but trust me, my fellow Americans: IT’S A TRAP. What’s a gal gotta do to get a crunch wrap supreme around here?

Julia Gillard vs. Obama. Australia’s Prime Minister recently face-planted SO HARD on a visit to India, and it was just spectacular. I mean, the speed with which her face plummeted to the earth defied all high school-level physics I know of. All in the same week she went viral on youtube with a one minute feminist rant berating her opponent. Obama's performance in the presidential debates is one thing, but face-planting in front of the media in a nation you're trying to strengthen political ties with is a whole new level of gubernatorial awesomeness. 

So there it is, my international friends. Is Australia better than America? Vice versa? Debate amongst yourselves, while I go enjoy kangaroo meat for dinner.

**For the record, no, the toilets do not spin the other way. All toilets I’ve encountered thus far flush straight downwards—in the states they spin because of the angle that the water is jetted out. Didn’t Bart Simpson blow the lid wide open on this myth 10 or 15 years ago anyways? Sorry to destroy your dreams. Drown your sorrows by setting off on a quest to find Big Foot.