A Detailed List of Why People Should Visit Me (cough DAD cough)

You know what’s been really awesome about my trip so far? If you ask me at any random point in time what the date or day of the week are, I have no freakin’ clue. And no, that’s not just because I’ve got surf camp brain going on, if you catch my drift [pause for the cause: I spent Christmas day surfing and swimming in the ocean with dolphins and some of my favorite people…it eased the homesickness.]. My life has been very day-to-day since I’ve been down under, and for the most part I don’t know what I’m doing until at the most 2 days ahead of time, and then it’s very pick up and go! Also, I’m not rocking a real job (or life, for that matter) right now. The only “schedule” I’ve had since being in Australia is wake up, garden/build/surf, have fun, eat food. Tough. Blah blah blah you get it I’m carefree and having way more fun than people in school or with stupid grown-up jobs, on with your point, Ashley! Here it is: I looked at the calendar the other day (just kidding, it was on Christmas so I’m pretty sure I got the date right), and realized that I’ve been here for over 3 months! OVER 3 (that’s one, two, THREE!) MONTHS! A quarter of a year! 25% of my visa time! &(Y%$@#$^#%^1!one!!11!! When the hell did that happen and where did it the time go?

It blows my mind that it’s been that long since I’ve been home, seen my best friends, or contributed to the debauchery resulting in a visit from Officer Porn Mustache or Hot Lady Cop and yet another noise violation for 611 East Seneca. As much fun as I’m having here, I’m kinda starting to miss people! Sorry Dad, it’s not enough to return home, though. Therefore, me and my infinite brilliance have come up with a perfect solution: VISIT ME!

Although I’ve met plenty of awesome people to share my journey with here in Australia, it would be even more awesome to share it with friends and family. In case a) being in the land of Steve Irwin b) eating kangaroo and c) the chance to see me Baywatching on an Aussie beach (woof) aren’t enough, I’ve come up with a few more points of persuasion. Unfortunately you can’t upload a Powerpoint presentation onto a blog (believe me it would’ve been extremely professional). Therefore, here is my long and thought out list of why my fellow Americans should get off their asses, get a visa, and hop on a 30 hour flight to come and see me (wooooorth it!). You may observe that I’m not above emotional blackmail. Sorry that I’m not sorry.

Dad:

1) My Australian visa may only last until September 2013, but there’s still New Zealand, Asia, Hawaii, etc. to explore while I’m still on this side of the world. That could take a very long time…

2) ‘cause I’m your little princess and I’ve got your wrapped around my little finger. Just stop pretending that you’re putting up a fight anymore, we all know where this is going. You lost that battle long ago when I started asking for Barbie dolls with my puppy dog eyes at the mall.

3) By renewing your passport to come and visit me, you can have yet another opportunity to take a phenomenal picture for photo ID. We both know that that’s your forte. Plus, you’ll be able to travel to other cool countries that aren’t Gilbertsville! I know how much you like pancakes. We could go to Canada for a stack! Or, in general you don’t look that suspicious, so you’d be an excellent drug mule running product out of Mexico! Good money in that. More Hallmark ornaments…

4) Australia is famous for beaches. I know how much you love swimming in the ocean. And obviously by ‘swimming’ I mean ‘watching hot chicks’ and ‘ in the ocean’ I mean ‘in bikinis’.

5) I’m cute and charming and stuff. I’m sure I could easily persuade an Aussie bloke to marry me for a green card. Then you’d have no choice but to come here to give me away! Yeah, I went there.

6) We have a DVR, so you don’t have to worry about missing all your favorite MSNBC shows! You can have yourself a nice Al Sharpton marathon when you get home.

Katrina:

1) The Whiz Kids need to mark their territory in a new continent. We’ve done enough work in North America.

2) Willow may need someone to babysit her, but if you could see me after drinking a few glasses of cheap boxed wine, you’d realize that I need it more.

3) I’ll teach you lots of cool tricks for when I’m not in the country to guide ya around! Particularly the fine art of being a transient bum…not as easy as it sounds.

4) Blangles is a great ambassador, but Black Kat would be even better.

Pink Mafia:

1) Dad prefers to travel with me. Therefore, you can act as his surrogate daughters and get that ol’ stud on over here! It’s just like babysitting a toddler: he naps a lot, gets lost when he runs around the gate, and gets fussy if he doesn’t get McDonald’s.

2) You’re trying to go to LA. Which is by the Pacific Ocean. Know what else touches the Pacific? Australia! So by the transitive property, you’d basically already be in Australia anyways. Why not just come here where you know someone awesome, rather than LA where you don’t know anyone? Ryan Gosling definitely won’t give you his autograph. I, however, might.

3) Grad school? More like…dumb…school…

4) Jobs? More like…stupids…

5) Boyfriends? More like…irrelevant…

The residents of 611 East Seneca and all the degenerates associated with:

1) Winter in Ithaca vs. summer in Australia. I know that you’re all probably concussed and drunk, but that’s a no-brainer.

2) Rugby is awesome, but Aussie Rules Football is awesomer. Yes I used that word. I did just fine during my freshman writing seminar, thanks.

3) You can legally consume adult beverages at 18 here. You thinking what I’m thinking? Probably not, because I’m thinking about running away from the baseball-sized spider that’s right next to me.

4) You don’t need an education. Attend the school of hard knocks over here. And it won’t cost you $30,000 a year (put the money towards paying off noise and garbage fines)! Well, unless you buy a lot of expensive shit really fast. Then it might.

Well, there it is! I’m sure that I can come up with oodles of more reasons, but I figure that since I’m just so convincing, it would be incredibly inconvenient (albeit pretty dope) to have everyone hop on a plane immediately and visit me all at once. There are only so many strings I can pull for accommodating large amounts of people. So, now that I’ve persuaded you into coming to Australia to see me sometime in the near future, please let me know when you will be arriving and at what airport. My telephone number is 0481 144 881. I can be reached at any time. Except when I’m surfing, obviously. Phones don’t go in the ocean. Travel safely and see you soon!