Asian Traffic Rules [as Observed by a Cautious Western Driver]

I sit here channeling my inner Robin Williams as I wish you all a GOOOOOOD MOOOOORNING (from) VIETNAM!!! That's right, I have survived an entire month in Asia with my Swedish partners in crime Lina and Elin. And it's been a freakin' crazy ride. In slightly over a month, we've been to Indonesia (Bali, Lombok, Gili Air, and Gili Trawangan), Malaysia, Singapore, back to Malaysia again, and I'm now reporting (barely a)live from Hanoi. We've had a million and one adventures thus far--some that I can't talk about on a forum that my Dad can read until I'm safely home. Don't worry, when I get my book deal it'll be a tell all. Until then, everyone's just going to have to settle for the abridged, PG, sober, safe as a kitten version of what we've been up to.

Now, as you can imagine, going from (an ENTIRE FREAKING YEAR OF MY LIFE) in the easy-going Outback to Asia is quite the culture shock. Not a day has gone by where I haven't stopped at least once and said either to myself or aloud, "what the fuck??" Asia is scary, smelly, crazy, weird, hilarious, and there's generally a surprise around every corner. But the experience that I feel most compelled to share with the folks back home [and well, all other countries where I've befriended amazing people] is that of Asian traffic. My first experience with this fickle beast was in Thailand this June, where for the first several days I thought I was going to die everytime I stepped out even remotely near a road. And the hits just kept on coming throughout this last month. There is quite a bit of variation in how people drive in Asia, but the greatest common denominator is that it's friggin' crazy if you're from a Western nation and will make you shit your pants in the first several experiences with it. I'll try not to homogenize these vastly different countrie as I go along. So, here is, in my professional opinion as compiled throughout a month of keen field observation, a summary of Southeast Asian traffic rules**:

(**I'd like to take a serious moment to explain that I am in NO way trying to perpetuate or reinforce any negative stereotypes, and I certainly hope that I do not offend anyone with this post. This guy's just here to tell some funny stories and entertain the folks back home, so let's keep in light, people! Now buckle up (oh wait they don't believe in seatbelts here) and enjoy the ride!)

1) The first rule of Asian traffic is that there appear to be no rules. Seriously. Chaos is the name of the game. It might as well. be Aussie Rules Football on pavement out here.

2) The second rule of Asian traffic is, since there are no other rules, just beep your horn. In Indonesia, it appeared that whenever a driver was passing someone, driving on the wrong side of the road (a common occurance), driving on the sidewalk, etc., the best action to take is to just furiously honk your horn to let other drivers know that you're about to contribute to the chaos. Roadside entropy.

3) It's way more efficient to fit an entire family on 1 motorcycle. Common sightings in Indonesia and Thailand are squeezing 3+ members of a family on the same motorcycle (bonus points for fitting pets on there). Including small children and infants. My record sighting is 5. It's also quite enjoyable to see 3 grown men squished onto a moped or motorcycle, it's quite bromantic. In my head I'm always imagining that they're saying to one another, "dude, no homo[torcycle]."

4) Women should feel free to ride side-saddle on the back of a motorcycle at any point, especially when zig-zagging through traffic. Either physics just simply doesn't apply to these cobbled and pothole-filled streets, or they've got better balancing skills than a roided-out Olympic gymnast.

5) Got small children? That's cool. Just tie them either to you or your motorcycle, they'll probably make it there in one piece. Helmets will make your kids stupid, too, so it's best not to use one.

5.5) Helmets in general are stupid. Don't use one. Or any other protective gear.

6) One way streets? That sounds like an Evel Knieval stunt challenge! Seriously, I think you'd have to be some kind of evil genius to get a traffic ticket here, because in one day I've seen more motorcyclists acting like salmon driving upstream than I ever would have back home in my 24 years combined.

7) Don't worry about where pedestrians should safely walk; make sure that your motorcycle is safely parked on the sidewalk and blocking as many walking routes and exits as possible.

8) 4-way intersections must be treated as an intricate (barely) syncronized traffic ballet. I swear to god I ,don't know how there are not 7,239 head-on collisions per day in Vietnam. Yesterday I watched an intersection with my jaw dropping to the ground because drivers just seem to plow on straight through a fleet of other vehicles coming from left, right, and center. YET THERE ARE NO COLLISIONS! I certainly met my daily Asia WTF quota on that. My latest theory is that the traffic functions as a school of fish or flock of birds, in which each individual can sense pressure and electromagnetic changes in their personal forcefield, telling them which direction to maneuver in order to avoid colliding with one another. You come up with something better.

9) Pedestrians are just as well off crossing the street blindfolded. Seriously. The non-stop flow of Hanoi traffic is mind-boggling. There is never a damned gambit of space in which one can safely cross! The secret is this: you literally just walk across a road very slowly as if trying to sneak away from a herd of ornery rhinocerous, and traffic just moves around you. Doing this has caused me to find religion...as I now know what sort of faith the Israelites must have had in Moses and God when they walked through the parted Red Sea. HanOI VEY! My preferred method is to just leach onto a local. Know those intersections from Rule 8? I saw a Vietnamese woman with a massive cart of trinkits walk DIAGONALLY across one of them, completely unharmed. Champion.

10) The more that you carry on your motorcycle, the better. Especially if that means that your load of goods is 2-3 times the height of the vehicle. Again, don't stress, because physics clearly doesn't apply to these roads. In the last month I've seen massive boards of plywood, huge burlap sacks filled with junk and piled 3 high, poles, corrugated roofing, and roughly 300 balloons being carried on motorcycles.

11) Much like coloring outside the lines, driving is always much more exhilirating when it's done outside the roads. Slight traffic build up? No worries, just drive on the sidewalk, the pedestrians will move!

Now, while following these aforementioned items, it's important for any driver in SEA to know that you can and should always supplement any one of these rules by talking or texting on your cell phone.

Not exactly sure how I've survived to this point (or if I'll make it much longer!), but somehow I have, and it's been a blast! ...when I haven't been stranded in a Vietnamese intersection with motorcycles flying at me like frat boys on a freshman girl with double-Ds, that is. Stay tuned for more updates and survival stories! :)